So I was talking to one of my friends back home about how I often say things that get me into trouble.  The following is a list of things that I frequently say and that over the years have gotten me into trouble with girlfriends, employers, and athletic officiating crews.  I'm sure there are more.

 Notes = You'll notice a preponderance of profanity, not surprising.  Additionally, just want you to know that I did this to avoid reading for law school.  I'm a winner.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."  - Neither referees nor members of the fairer sex enjoy this.

"Do whatever the fuck you want." - This has never served me well.  Again, the ladies not such big fans of this one.

"Sure, I'll have another shot."

"Take your head out of your ass."

Pretty much anything I say after I say "And I'll tell you another motherfucking thing..."

Posted by bwinchester at 1:35 PM MST

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So Christmas night Serge and I were watching a movie that somehow involved aloe vera gel being used.  I told him about the time I had an odd experience with aloe vera gel and thought I'd share my idiocy with everyone else.

 So my junior year of college I'm hanging out with Andy and we go to his next door neighbor Matt's house to drink for the night.  At some point in the evening we run out of beer and start searching through the fridge for stuff to drink.  It is in the fridge that we discover a squeeze bottle with no labels and a blue substance inside.  We, naturally, assume that this is a squeeze bottle of jello shots and each take a shot.

It was not a squeeze bottle of jello shots.  It was aloe vera gel.  It looked something like this.

In our meager defense:  1) Who keeps a bottle of aloe vera gel in the fridge?  2) It didn't have any labels on it, and 3) We were drunk.  (Sidenote:  who has ever seen a squeeze bottle of jello shots?  No one.  They don't exist.)

 Ok, so as bad as that was, it gets worse.

Fast forward a year.  Me and Andy live together a block from Matt's house.  Matt has satellite and a kegerator so to say that we spent a fair amount of time at his house would be a gross understatement.

So one night Andy and I are at Matt's house and we again run out of booze.  We search through the fridge and see the same damn bottle of aloe vera gel.  This time, we both acknowledge and communicate to each other that this bottle does, in fact, contain aloe vera gel and not jello shots.  Nevertheless, because we're idiot guys, we decide to take shots of aloe vera.

It's things like this that keep me out of the really good schools.

Posted by bwinchester at 2:19 PM MST

Updated: Saturday, 27 December 2008 2:35 PM MST

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So I got tickets to several Hornets games with some extra money that I had (not much).  Anyways, for each of the games I bought two tickets so I can take someone with me.  Bought tickets for the games below. 

January 9th - Hornets v. Clippers, February 11th - Hornets v. Celtics, March 7th - Hornets v. Oklahoma City, April 12th - Hornets v. Mavericks.

I opened it up to essays on "Why Brandon Should Take Me to a Hornets Game" to see who I would take and have presented summaries below.  Suggested topics were "Why I love Brandon," "How Brandon changed my life," and "Why Brandon is awesome."  Nobody really followed that topic, I think substantial revisions need to be made.

Jordan says he'll do interpretations of someone all night long.  Sweet.

Omar submitted the following essay - Dear Brandon, I would like to go to a Hornets game because I have unsettled business with one CP3, Mr. Christopher Paul he unjustly destroyed a certain Blue Devilish team a few years back in a stadium named for one Omar J. Cameron.  I would follow I-R-E-A-C form (it's a law school thing) but I really do not think that I have any common law to cite regarding this matter.

Sean convinced me to get tickets for the OKC Thunder game because 1) he's from Oklahoma and 2) I hate Kevin Durant.  We then had the following conversation.

Sean: We can make it a date
Me: Ooh.  I generally put out on the first date, just making sure you know that
Sean: I'll be drunk, so it's a lock

Katie just called dibs.  Literally, she just said "I call dibs."  Pretty bold move, but i like it.  Well played.

Nadja after saying that I couldn't be better friends with someone she introduced me to, followed that up with,  "And another thing, I will NOT submit an essay for why you should take me to the Hornets game."  She then submitted an essay in sarcastic form less than a week later.  Moving up in the rankings.

Jules says she'll take me to dinner.  Pretty convincing, but your submission needs more work Ruocco.

First game is in three short weeks, get on those essays.

Posted by bwinchester at 5:52 AM MST

Updated: Sunday, 21 December 2008 7:06 AM MST

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I recently had my nerd credentials questioned.  Granted, it was in a very nice way as someone said, "Oh Brandon, you're not a nerd."  Au contraire.  I present the following exhibits in support of my nerddom: 

1) I got a graduate degree in economics because I thought it would be fun.  Seriously.  I legitimately thought it would be fun and interesting.  What makes it worse was that I did actually enjoy it.

2) I think things like Drunk History are funny.  Check these out here:  Volume 1, Volume 2, Volume 2.5, and Volume 3.  Now you might think that my fondness for these derives from my fondness for alcohol.  Not true.  It is entirely independent.

3) I once edited a Wikipedia entry.  Big deal right?  A lot of people do that.  Yeah, but they edit entries on their favorite band or movie.  I edited the entry on long-run average cost.  Check it out here.

In my Advanced Microeconomics class we had to look at the entry and on an exam explain what was wrong with it.  I did so and then corrected it.  This is the part I added:  "Contrary to Viner, the envelope is not created by the minimum point of each short-run average cost curve. This mistake is recognized as Viner's Error."  Previously it had said that the envelope did contain the minimum point of each short-run average cost curve.  That is both mathematically and graphically impossible.  This was pretty much where I earned my official nerd card.

4) I can prove the Pythagorean Theorem on a cocktail napkin.  Seriously.  Give me a cocktail napkin and a pen and I can prove it for you in 5 minutes.  Everyone loves it.  a² + b² = c² always gets people rolling.

5) I once read an 1,100 page book on Lyndon Baines Johnson.   Once again, I thought it would be interesting.  And it was.  So if you ever have 5 weeks to kill and want to learn about the history of the United States Senate, the Civil Rights Movement, and our 36th president, give Master of the Senate a chance.

6) I memorized all the names and states of all 100 United States Senators.  So I worked in the Senate for two summers and after watching infinite hours of C-Span 2 I memorized all the Senators.  This used to be a good bar trick, you name a state and I name both of the Senators and random facts about them (Ron Wyden played college basketball at UC Santa Barbara, Jim Bunning is a Hall of Fame pitcher, etc.).  It's been a few years, and there's been a couple of elections, but I'm probably still good for at least 85 of them.

7) I know what the chemical symbol for tungsten is.  It's W, in case you were wondering.  I know some others too, but this once won me a critical game of Trivial Pursuit.

8) I once memorized all the red cards (trivia cards) in Cranium.  Yeah, I sat down one day, busted out the cards, and just read all of them.  Those of you that have engaged in any sort of competition with me know that I like to cheat like no other.  This decision was equal parts cheating and nerddom.  After this, no one else would play Cranium with me.

9) I took extra math classes in grad school.  I only had to take Calc I, but I also ended up taking Calc II, Linear (Matrix) Algebra, and Ordinary Differential Equations.  Once again, because I thought it would be fun.  Stupid.

 So there you go.  Don't ever doubt my nerdiness again.

Posted by bwinchester at 7:25 AM MST

Updated: Monday, 17 November 2008 6:52 AM MST

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So today I was watching ESPN and on the bottom ticker they announced the news that Jason Taylor is not going to participate in any of the Dolphins' drills this offseason.  Apparently he's become frustrated with the lack of direction that the Dolphins have lately, Scott has too, and is trying to force their hand into a trade or a big move, Scott can't do that.

Anyways, the point of this blog was how the news was reported.  The ticker read, "Dancing With the Stars Runner Up Jason Taylor to Miss Dolphins' Workouts."  Read that sentence again.  The guy has won the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award, has been selected to the Pro Bowl six times, and has been named an All-Pro four times.  But, what does ESPN designate him as?  Runner Up on a subpar reality show.  You know he's pissed right now.

On another reality show note, CMT's My Big Redneck Wedding might be the best show of all time.  Just watch it once and you'll never stop watching.

I've also discovered that it is better to balance my checkbook after I've had a few drinks.  That way I don't really grasp how much I've spent.  It's great, but it may have repurcussions tomorrow.

Posted by bwinchester at 8:41 PM MDT

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As you all know, I won that outstanding graduate student award and had to give a speech.  Many people asked what it was exactly that I said* so I've decided to put up the text of my speech on here.  I wrote the basic outline of the speech on the back of an envelope (geek out moment for any economists out there), so I'm going off of that and memory.  Here it is:

Much like some of the other award winners here tonight, I was very surprised to receive the letter telling me that I got this award.  I was even more surprised when I found out that I had to give a speech.

Not being able to decide on what I was going to say, I solicited some help from my friends.  They came up with ideas like spontaneous choreographed dance numbers from CATS and reciting really easy math problems.  After considering all of these ideas, I decided that I would just get up here and thank some people.

The first person I would like to thank is a person without whose perseverance, dedication, hard work, and faith none of this would have been possible.  That person is me.  (Crowd laughs)

No seriously, I did all of the work.  (Crowd laughs again, but a little muted this time as they try to decide if I really am this arrogant.  The answer is yes I am).

In all seriousness though, I'd like to thank my parents for basically not letting me get away with anything when I was a kid.  I wasn't exactly what you would call a "star student," I was more of a "late bloomer" and a "problem child."  But my parents stayed on me and made sure that I did what I was supposed to do.  They really taught me the value of education and always pushed me to achieve, succeed and excel in academics.  They deserve as much credit for this as anyone.  (My mom starts crying).

I'd also like to thank my advisor Rene Hadjigeorgalis and all my friends for being there for all types of support.

Finally, since Governor Carruthers** is here, I'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that I'll be running for Governor in 2018 and I hope for your support.  (Crowd laughs again, because I'm awesome).

Again, in all seriousness, I'd like to thank the Alumni Association for this award and congratulate all the other award winners.  Knibb High football rules!***

So there it is.  Humor, arrogance, and true gratitude all mixed up in one speech.

__________________________________________________________

* Blatant lie.  Only Sarah and Tom really asked or cared about what I said.

** For those of you that don't know, Garrey Carruthers was the Governor of New Mexico and is now the Dean of the Business College at NMSU.

*** I didn't say the part about Knibb High football, but I thought as I walked off that I should have.

Posted by bwinchester at 3:16 PM MDT

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As some of y’all may know, I just recently won the Outstanding Master’s Degree student award at NMSU.  (I’ll pause for a minute to let that sink in)

Anyways, I get a letter from the alumni association the other day and it says that at this banquet where I get my award I’m expected to take a few minutes to thank some people.  The way I figure it, it’s going to take me all of 20 seconds to thank the people I need to thank.  So, since I have a “few minutes,” which I think can range from 3 to 7 minutes, I figure I should fill that time up.  So I sent an email to some friends and let them know that I’m considering each of the following options:

1)  Run down to the microphone like the Ultimate Warrior did to the ring and then completely memorize and deliver either an old Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan promo from 1980’s professional wrestling.

Check out this Ric Flair sample or this Hulk Hogan sample.

2)  Deliver a famous speech from the past (Gettysburg Address, Malcolm X’s Plymouth Rock speech, or something similar) but in an English or Australian accent 

3)  Recite as much of Eddie Muprhy’s “Raw” routine as I can fit in before they cut me off.

4)  Actually thank all the people I need to thank, but then thank a bunch of random people like Kanye West’s mom, George Clooney, Condoleeza Rice, Silvio Berlusconi, Gerhard Schroeder, Gandhi, Ryne Sandberg, Mitch Williams, Lenny Dykstra, etc.

5)  Talk about a social issue.  There is a lot that I could go on about for at least 5 minutes (education, poverty, global warming, the war in Iraq).  I figure I’ll have a bunch of rich people in a room, might convince them to do something.

6)  String of profanity.  That’s it.

Those were the ideas that I had and I thought they were good.  I asked my friends to weigh in on which they thought I should choose, or suggest an alternate topic.  I should probably just thank the ten people I need to thank and then get my ass off the stage, but when is the last time any of you has known me to do what I should do?  Anyways, some people came up with some good suggestions so I've included those below.

My buddy Jake suggests that I sell the top ten slots and says, "I'd like to buy one for my mother (Linda ) and one for my grandma (Dorothy 'Tutz' Kolnik). Let me know the going rate and I'll talk to the boss about getting a check cut."  I'm assuming the boss is his wife.

Tim Smith thinks that I should share my thoughts on natural family planning.  That's a really long story that you'll have to buy me a beer to hear.

Joe Wilkins suggests that I read some of the poems that I wrote while we waited for the train to pass in Houston.  Most of these were written on the spur of the moment after a night where I got 4 hours of sleep and their defining characteristic is being profanity laden.  I'll see if I can find some of those and put them up on here.

Scott suggests that I make up several people to thank and provided me with some people to thank.  This is just awesome:  "I'd really like to thank Steve Carson for showing me the benefits of reach for your dreams.  Steve couldn't be here, he is in Delaware giving a speech on leeches, but the impact he had on my life was tremendous.  Then there's Harry Stout, or as many of you may know him, The Hammer.  Harry taught me that you need to hit things hard to have an impact.  Hammer, I know you are out there somewhere... WE DID IT!  And who could forget Svetalana Stroothermyer.  She was great, really taught me how to handle things when they got hard.  Svety, I hope you know how important you were on my life, and as you seek out the missing piece of the puzzle, remember what you always said, 'Nothing is as hard, as hard is of nothing.'  Finally, Dr. Stigger, my mentor.  If it wasn't for him I never would have learned the true value of a wholesome breakfast in the morning."

Kysa provides the following suggestions:

• String of random quotations: "four score and seven years ago, George bush does not care about black people, nobody puts baby in a corner, I never inhaled, and a chicken in every pot."
• Rousing karaoke rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart (I thought purple rain, but at seven minutes it's a wee bit over long for your time frame)
• Spontaneous choreographed dance number (I've always wanted to see one of these....if possible plant some folks in the audience to join you- one of the numbers from Grease would probably be the best bet here, but something from CATS might be equally entertaining)
• Gegorian chant....totally time to bring that one back
• John madden style ramble, complete with charts

Sanford says that I should emulate Blazing Saddles and states "I think you should pull a line from "Blazing Saddles".  How awesome would it be for you to stand before hundreds of people and say "excuse me while I whip this out" as you pull your speech from you trousers.  Now THAT'S how to start a speech!"

Finally, Tony and Erin combined to come up with these great suggestions:

Posted by bwinchester at 4:42 PM MDT

Updated: Monday, 21 April 2008 10:01 PM MDT

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If you don't like me being rude to adolescents or old people and/or think I'm a jerk and/or don't like profanity and/or think that humanity is at its base good and intelligent, you may wish to skip this blog.

If any of the aforementioned characteristics apply to you, go back to stalking people via the internet.  Otherwise, get ready for some ranting.

Note:  I blame all of the following on communists.  I'm not sure how yet, but they are responsible.

Let's review my life over the last day.

Wednesday, April 9th I get up at 5 a.m. in order to get ready for my presentation at 9 that morning and to finish packing for my trip to New Orleans to check out the law school at Tulane.  I, apparently, prepare by staring at the television for 30 minutes.

My mother informs me that American Airlines has cancelled any flight that is on a MD-80 aircraft in order to conduct maintenance (more on this later).  Of course I'm flying American, on a MD-80.

The rest of my morning consisted of giving a rather tense presentation to an administrative body (they will remain nameless) that was met with complete silence upon my completion, getting shit on by a bird, pretty much screwing up a math test, and trying to call American's customer service line only to be told that all agents were busy or being put on hold for 37 minutes and 30 seconds (not that I was counting) before I finally gave up.  Notice how I totally snuck in the whole getting shit on by a bird deal.  That was great.

Then I get to the airport in El Paso and wait in line where I hear rumors that there is not a single open seat on any flight leaving El Paso today.  Still, I continue to wait in line.  I'm informed that I can leave El Paso today at 6:40, fly to Phoenix where I'll have a 3 hour layover (7 - 10), fly to Houston where I'll have another horrible layover (2:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m.) and then finally get to New Orleans at 7:30 in the morning.  My other option is to leave El Paso tomorrow (4/10) at 4:30 and get into New Orleans at midnight. 

I, quite erroneously, reason to myself that getting in at 7 in the morning is better than getting in at midnight and choose the first option.  Stupid.  Truth be told, I just want to get to New Orleans earlier to drink.

Having four hours to kill, I go to some random bar in El Paso and watch 7 episodes of Scrubs while drinking not very cold Miller Lite.

Finally my travels begin.  As my flight arrives in Phoenix, an older gentleman takes quite possibly the longest time ever to get his bag out of the overhead bin.  I say, "Don't worry, nobody is waiting for you back here."  I get several evil glances from the passengers and throw my hands up in the "I don't give a crap" pose.

I get to Phoenix and though I'm not hungry, I know that I should probably eat since there won't be anything open at 3 in the morning in Houston.  I'm forced to choose between overpriced chain restaurants (Pizza Hut and Burger King) and overpriced bar food.  I settle on bar food and get a $9 ham and cheese.  I think the fact that it was on Ciabatta bread justifies the $9.  Or, at least, that's probably their reasoning.

As I'm walking through the airport, various people piss me off, but none more than some kid.  He's just standing right in front of the exit of the moving walkway.  Right. in. the. middle.  I say, "Get the hell out of the way kid."  Yeah, he was like 14.  It needed to happen.

After my riveting 2.5 hour flight where I sat next to a crying baby the whole way, I'm in Houston where I will now waste 3.5 hours of my life in George H.W. Bush Intercontinental Airport.

Thoughts while sitting in Bush:

- Why do old people insist on talking to me?  It's 3 a.m. and this old lady is asking me questions and talking about her grandkids.  I assure you that at this point in the day I neither look like someone you would want to talk to nor someone that wants to be talked to.  I'm sure my eyes are bloodshot, what little hair I have is matted, and I have a generally dissheveled appearance.  I probably don't smell too well either.

- Even though I'm at Bush, isn't it funny that there is an airport named after Reagan.  He basically screwed over the air traffic controllers and now he has an airport.

- I just heard the announcement about not leaving your possessions unattended, not taking anyone else's possessions, and reporting suspicious behavior for, approximately, the 237th time today.  I begin to wonder if anyone has ever reported me for suspicious behavior.

- I hate Bluetooths or any handsfree device.  Actually, I just hate the people who wear them, and then talk away causing me to think they're talking to me.  When I say "what?" to them, they then look at me like I'm the asshole.  You are the one talking on an invisible phone in a public place, let's not act like I'm the one acting outside the norms of society.

- There's a girl my age sitting three seats away from me.  I consider talking to her, but decide against it because I realize that it is, in fact, me who is smelling up this joint.

Thoughts on American Airlines

Seriously, what the fuck?  How are they still in business?  They cancel all their flights for one day because they screwed up on their maintenance.  I wonder how that decision came down the pipe.  I think the CEO got bombed and said, "You know, instead of gradually reducing our flight schedules to be able to perform this required maintenance, let's just put off the maintenance for awhile and then cancel all of our flights one day.  That'll totally make our customers happy."

According to Keith and the drunk guy at the bar in El Paso, the eminent authorities on air transportation matters, American has tried to file for bankruptcy over ten times, but the government keeps bailing them out.  Government, please stop bailing them out.  They are horrible.  Let them go out of business and let the other airlines pick up their market share.

I really wish some kind of punishment on American.  I know that the Department of Transportation can't / won't do anything to them for this bonehead move.  So here are my two plans: 1) I want everyone to sell their shares in American Airlines.  Everyone.  Drop their stock price and let's see what happens.  2) I'm going to make it my personal goal to develop an effective, efficient commuter rail system throughout this country.  It works in Europe, why can't it work here?

Alright, It's like 3:05 a.m.  I'm going to catch up on LOST episodes that I've missed.  Then only two more hours of time wasting.

Posted by bwinchester at 9:48 PM MDT

Updated: Thursday, 10 April 2008 2:05 AM MDT

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Check this out. 

So proud of both of these kids. They are going to excel at Arkansas. Much credit to Russell Smith for pushing both of these kids to be as good as we all knew they could be.



And to those of you that told me I was wasting my time coaching, you know who you are, how do you like me now?

Posted by bwinchester at 2:48 PM MDT

Updated: Monday, 7 April 2008 2:50 PM MDT

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This goes out to anyone who grew up in or now lives in Las Cruces.

What's the first thing that pops in your mind when you think of Burger Time?  Probably their stupid ass jingle.  But after that, it's probably donuts.

Well, there's a recent development that you ought to be aware of.  Burger Time no longer sells donuts.  True story.  I went there Friday morning to get a breakfast burrito and a donut and when I glanced in the display case and saw no donuts, I was informed that they don't sell donuts anymore.  How can Burger Time not sell donuts?

I ask you, friends, what is this world coming to?  What is next?  Will they stop selling beer and hot dogs at baseball games?

This agression cannot go unchecked.  Action must be taken.  However you want to do it, do something about this.  I'm writing letters to the editor right now.

Posted by bwinchester at 12:43 PM MDT

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